October 29, 2012

You need people to show you that they care throughout your life. When you are a kid, especially, you need to know that you are loved and appreciated. My brother needed the attention that he got, but with a mother so worried about a child with special needs and a father who was a drug addict, I was abondoned. I was forced to grow up and fend for myself. That meant that I trusted no one because I never wanted to be left ever again. I made the choice to become self-sufficent and live the life that I was forced into. I didn’t need my parents anymore because in my own head I was an adult. You can delude yourself into believing that anything is true.

I didn’t really think that I had a problem, but I guess that it is not acceptable behavior to avoid having any sort of actual relationship with people. I did try. I attempted to form relationships with people, but I fond that they always let me down. It was like growing up all over again, except this time I brought it upon myself. I wasn’t born into the situation, like with my family, but I made the choice to actually pick these people. They always let me down.

I’ve been told that the solution to this problem is that you need to pick better people, but honestly, I think that these people choose me. I don’t think that I have a choice whether I can pick better people. I do not believe in being a victim of circumstance and it is because of this that I continue to move forward. I try to pick better people who wont fit into the above mold. I made an effort to choose the people who will not let me down. I think that I have done better, but because of my life I can say that when one of these people lets me down, it feels even worse. I have to take a step back and take a deep breath. It is a learning process to grow up. I have to learn to let go, which is something that I have never been that great at, but it is something that I recommend to everyone who feels as though they are suffering. It is the only way to move on.

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