Lonely

October 29, 2012

You need people to show you that they care throughout your life. When you are a kid, especially, you need to know that you are loved and appreciated. My brother needed the attention that he got, but with a mother so worried about a child with special needs and a father who was a drug addict, I was abondoned. I was forced to grow up and fend for myself. That meant that I trusted no one because I never wanted to be left ever again. I made the choice to become self-sufficent and live the life that I was forced into. I didn’t need my parents anymore because in my own head I was an adult. You can delude yourself into believing that anything is true.

I didn’t really think that I had a problem, but I guess that it is not acceptable behavior to avoid having any sort of actual relationship with people. I did try. I attempted to form relationships with people, but I fond that they always let me down. It was like growing up all over again, except this time I brought it upon myself. I wasn’t born into the situation, like with my family, but I made the choice to actually pick these people. They always let me down.

I’ve been told that the solution to this problem is that you need to pick better people, but honestly, I think that these people choose me. I don’t think that I have a choice whether I can pick better people. I do not believe in being a victim of circumstance and it is because of this that I continue to move forward. I try to pick better people who wont fit into the above mold. I made an effort to choose the people who will not let me down. I think that I have done better, but because of my life I can say that when one of these people lets me down, it feels even worse. I have to take a step back and take a deep breath. It is a learning process to grow up. I have to learn to let go, which is something that I have never been that great at, but it is something that I recommend to everyone who feels as though they are suffering. It is the only way to move on.

Two Parent Families

October 29, 2012

In the 1950’s, it would be safe to say that the majority of families were two parent households. To assume that, that this is the logic that is still employed today is ridiculous. The reality of the situation is that most families consist of either a single parent, or divorced parents that are remarried. This is not a bad thing because a family is a family regardless. For me, I had two parents up until I was ten. I believed that I was one of the lucky few who still had a quintessential family. But, being a kid you really have no idea what is going on. You have a smoke screen over what is really happening. In part, your parents attempt to shield you from what is actually going on, but there is also a small belief in the minds of children that everything will always be okay. You never think that your family is going to fall apart.

My dad use to travel, or what I thought was travel. I thought that he worked all the time and him not being around was nothing new to me. Honestly, I don’t think that my dad was around more than two out of ten years of my life. He was the guy that forgot your birthday, or Christmas. That may be, in part, why I hate Christmas so much. He made the choice to have other families. He made the choice that the one that he had was not enough. He was gone because he felt that he had obligations to the other people, even more than he had to my family

People survive just fine with one parent, but my one parent was dealing with more important things. My brother needed her and that meant that getting the attention that I needed was not a main priority. I put a lot of stock in the fact that my dad was going to come through for me because I needed at least one person to show some kind of care. He never did. I found out later in life that my dad suffered from addiction and depression. He never could actually be a parent because he was too consumed with his own demons to notice that anyone else was suffering. I always thought that he was selfish for just leaving all the time and never being around, until I became an addict myself. Once you cross that line, everything that he did made sense. It didn’t make it okay, or even better, but it did make sense.