Family

September 18, 2012

We don’t pick the family that we are born into. In truth, we are dealt a hand of cards and whatever we get is what we are stuck with. Sometimes the hands we are dealt are great. We are brought up into a family that is able to spread their attention between all of their children. As I have already said, that was not the type of household that I grew up in. So, when I got older I was able to create a family. That is what we do when we become adults by surrounding ourselves with the people who we really care about. The problem is the family you create does not always work out the way that you had hoped it would.

As a teenager, I found that I selected people to be in family that were worse off than me. I was able to tell myself for a long time that I wasn’t that bad, in comparison to the people that I hung out with. I perpetuated our relationship and followed suite with them. I truly believed that they were my family. They, on the other hand, did not feel the same. I was simply another person that was lost in space like them. If I could save them, then I wouldn’t need to save myself.

Good

September 14, 2012

I really was a good kid growing up and by most, I would have been someone considered to be full of promise. I started reading at an early age and once that happened, I couldn’t put a book down. I was that kid who went to the store and bought the books that helped you learn math and writing. I learned how to cook my own food even. I was a small child that had mastered the qualities that some adults hadn’t. It was because of this knack for being an “adult” that people stopped treating me as a child. At some point, I really had become an adult in a child’s body. There was a whole new level of expectation that was put on me and it got worse when my brother was born.

My mom was a single parent working hard to provide a living for the two of us. She didn’t have time to always cook us a family meal, but the bills got paid and we always had what we needed. Being an only child I had all the attention, but that flipped when Aaron came into the picture. Aaron needed constant supervision and being the normal child meant that I didn’t really need the attention. This is the type of logic that followed me to daycare. My mom needed a place to send us while she was working long hours, but it wasn’t a place where I got to hang out. Instead, I got to take care of my brother. Kids just out of high school who had no idea how to deal with him watched us. They never had to watch someone like him, but they assumed that I knew how to deal with it.

So, I started to take care of him. It was my responsibility to take look after of him and still be that kid that was expected to be something. Well that’s great, but I never had time to be a kid. Those memories of falling out of tree, or hanging out with the kids in the neighborhood never happened to me. I can tell you that I was expected to be an adult and I lost out on being a kid.

I followed this mold for awhile. I even embraced it at time, but there really is only so long that you can carry the weight of the world on your shoulder before you crack. I did a pretty good job of it though. I lasted until I was twelve before I had a great moment of realization. I was tired of being pushed aside, never being told that I was doing the right thing, and tired of living in the shadows. Being that good was doing nothing for me. But it hit me, if no one was going to notice me being a great kid, then I was was going to be the worst kid that anyone had ever seen. This was the moment that changed the course of my life.

Raining

September 3, 2012

I have always loved the rain. When I was younger I wanted to be a mermaid and I believed that I could swim away when it rained. At the same time, I wanted to be a lawyer because I believed that I could stop the misuse of power. I’m sure that at some point, even, that I believed I could change the world. By the time that I realized that the rain meant something to me, all that was left were little traces of these memories. I had forgotten all of the happy feelings that the rain made me think of. Instead, the rain made me feel clean. For one moment, I wasn’t defined by all of the things that I had done wrong in my life. I simply wasn’t just another teenage kid who had no purpose in life. For a single second, I had a chance again. The rain gave me back those thoughts and ambitions. I could be that mermaid, the lawyer, or even change the world. I would sit outside as long as a could while it rained, never wanting that moment to end, but all good things always come to an end. Once the rain disappeared, I disappeared too. I went back to being that kid who had lost everything.