Documentary

December 5, 2012

Hey everyone! I have worked really hard on this project and I hope that you all enjoy!

Support Systems

November 29, 2012

You need support systems. Sorry, but that is the bottom line. There is no pretending that you can do everything by yourself because, let’s face it, you can’t do it alone. I was one of those people who believed that for a long time. I honestly thought that I could handle the world without anyone helping me through and it worked for awhile. I had friends, of course, but I never really depended on them for any sort of help. I think that I almost found them weak when they asked for my help. That makes me sound mean, but I truly believed that you needed to be able to handle all of life without the aid of someone else to be an adult. It was then that I began to really keep everything in. The truth is that my mom was busy being a parent to a child who needed it and I was busy trying to be an adult.

I would like to say that I have grown past this logic, but I haven’t. This is something that I am trying to work on in order to make myself a better person. I would recommend it to everyone as well. You need to sometimes just talk. Even if you gain nothing more from the experience aside from the fact that you said it, that should be enough. If you don’t lean on people every once in awhile, then you will crack.

I am really great at holding everything together for years a time. I can convince everyone that I am doing fine, even when I’m not. But, life starts to add up. Let’s be honest, everything starts to take it’s toll and you need to take a step back sometimes. When you start to get into this mind set, you start to lose control. I spiral. It is my friends who are there to help pull me out.

The people that you have in your life are suppose to be there to help you. If there are really on your team they will be there to listen to you, but you have to speak. Never be afraid to say how you are actually feeling because, as cliché as it is, “the truth will set you free.” They will stand by you even if what you are feeling is irrational because you stand by them when they are feeling the same way. Hold onto the people in your life that will make sure that what you are feeling is validated.

I have learned one thing and that is that being adult is not about being able to handle everything by yourself, but it is about being able to push through. Sometimes, that means that you need to lean on people to get to where you need to be. Being an adult is the ability to be resilient and move past what you have going on in your life.

Lonely

October 29, 2012

You need people to show you that they care throughout your life. When you are a kid, especially, you need to know that you are loved and appreciated. My brother needed the attention that he got, but with a mother so worried about a child with special needs and a father who was a drug addict, I was abondoned. I was forced to grow up and fend for myself. That meant that I trusted no one because I never wanted to be left ever again. I made the choice to become self-sufficent and live the life that I was forced into. I didn’t need my parents anymore because in my own head I was an adult. You can delude yourself into believing that anything is true.

I didn’t really think that I had a problem, but I guess that it is not acceptable behavior to avoid having any sort of actual relationship with people. I did try. I attempted to form relationships with people, but I fond that they always let me down. It was like growing up all over again, except this time I brought it upon myself. I wasn’t born into the situation, like with my family, but I made the choice to actually pick these people. They always let me down.

I’ve been told that the solution to this problem is that you need to pick better people, but honestly, I think that these people choose me. I don’t think that I have a choice whether I can pick better people. I do not believe in being a victim of circumstance and it is because of this that I continue to move forward. I try to pick better people who wont fit into the above mold. I made an effort to choose the people who will not let me down. I think that I have done better, but because of my life I can say that when one of these people lets me down, it feels even worse. I have to take a step back and take a deep breath. It is a learning process to grow up. I have to learn to let go, which is something that I have never been that great at, but it is something that I recommend to everyone who feels as though they are suffering. It is the only way to move on.

Two Parent Families

October 29, 2012

In the 1950’s, it would be safe to say that the majority of families were two parent households. To assume that, that this is the logic that is still employed today is ridiculous. The reality of the situation is that most families consist of either a single parent, or divorced parents that are remarried. This is not a bad thing because a family is a family regardless. For me, I had two parents up until I was ten. I believed that I was one of the lucky few who still had a quintessential family. But, being a kid you really have no idea what is going on. You have a smoke screen over what is really happening. In part, your parents attempt to shield you from what is actually going on, but there is also a small belief in the minds of children that everything will always be okay. You never think that your family is going to fall apart.

My dad use to travel, or what I thought was travel. I thought that he worked all the time and him not being around was nothing new to me. Honestly, I don’t think that my dad was around more than two out of ten years of my life. He was the guy that forgot your birthday, or Christmas. That may be, in part, why I hate Christmas so much. He made the choice to have other families. He made the choice that the one that he had was not enough. He was gone because he felt that he had obligations to the other people, even more than he had to my family

People survive just fine with one parent, but my one parent was dealing with more important things. My brother needed her and that meant that getting the attention that I needed was not a main priority. I put a lot of stock in the fact that my dad was going to come through for me because I needed at least one person to show some kind of care. He never did. I found out later in life that my dad suffered from addiction and depression. He never could actually be a parent because he was too consumed with his own demons to notice that anyone else was suffering. I always thought that he was selfish for just leaving all the time and never being around, until I became an addict myself. Once you cross that line, everything that he did made sense. It didn’t make it okay, or even better, but it did make sense.

Family

September 18, 2012

We don’t pick the family that we are born into. In truth, we are dealt a hand of cards and whatever we get is what we are stuck with. Sometimes the hands we are dealt are great. We are brought up into a family that is able to spread their attention between all of their children. As I have already said, that was not the type of household that I grew up in. So, when I got older I was able to create a family. That is what we do when we become adults by surrounding ourselves with the people who we really care about. The problem is the family you create does not always work out the way that you had hoped it would.

As a teenager, I found that I selected people to be in family that were worse off than me. I was able to tell myself for a long time that I wasn’t that bad, in comparison to the people that I hung out with. I perpetuated our relationship and followed suite with them. I truly believed that they were my family. They, on the other hand, did not feel the same. I was simply another person that was lost in space like them. If I could save them, then I wouldn’t need to save myself.

Good

September 14, 2012

I really was a good kid growing up and by most, I would have been someone considered to be full of promise. I started reading at an early age and once that happened, I couldn’t put a book down. I was that kid who went to the store and bought the books that helped you learn math and writing. I learned how to cook my own food even. I was a small child that had mastered the qualities that some adults hadn’t. It was because of this knack for being an “adult” that people stopped treating me as a child. At some point, I really had become an adult in a child’s body. There was a whole new level of expectation that was put on me and it got worse when my brother was born.

My mom was a single parent working hard to provide a living for the two of us. She didn’t have time to always cook us a family meal, but the bills got paid and we always had what we needed. Being an only child I had all the attention, but that flipped when Aaron came into the picture. Aaron needed constant supervision and being the normal child meant that I didn’t really need the attention. This is the type of logic that followed me to daycare. My mom needed a place to send us while she was working long hours, but it wasn’t a place where I got to hang out. Instead, I got to take care of my brother. Kids just out of high school who had no idea how to deal with him watched us. They never had to watch someone like him, but they assumed that I knew how to deal with it.

So, I started to take care of him. It was my responsibility to take look after of him and still be that kid that was expected to be something. Well that’s great, but I never had time to be a kid. Those memories of falling out of tree, or hanging out with the kids in the neighborhood never happened to me. I can tell you that I was expected to be an adult and I lost out on being a kid.

I followed this mold for awhile. I even embraced it at time, but there really is only so long that you can carry the weight of the world on your shoulder before you crack. I did a pretty good job of it though. I lasted until I was twelve before I had a great moment of realization. I was tired of being pushed aside, never being told that I was doing the right thing, and tired of living in the shadows. Being that good was doing nothing for me. But it hit me, if no one was going to notice me being a great kid, then I was was going to be the worst kid that anyone had ever seen. This was the moment that changed the course of my life.

Raining

September 3, 2012

I have always loved the rain. When I was younger I wanted to be a mermaid and I believed that I could swim away when it rained. At the same time, I wanted to be a lawyer because I believed that I could stop the misuse of power. I’m sure that at some point, even, that I believed I could change the world. By the time that I realized that the rain meant something to me, all that was left were little traces of these memories. I had forgotten all of the happy feelings that the rain made me think of. Instead, the rain made me feel clean. For one moment, I wasn’t defined by all of the things that I had done wrong in my life. I simply wasn’t just another teenage kid who had no purpose in life. For a single second, I had a chance again. The rain gave me back those thoughts and ambitions. I could be that mermaid, the lawyer, or even change the world. I would sit outside as long as a could while it rained, never wanting that moment to end, but all good things always come to an end. Once the rain disappeared, I disappeared too. I went back to being that kid who had lost everything.

Growing up

August 28, 2012

Here we go. Growing up was not always an easy task considering the hand that I was dealt. I have a brother, named Aaron, and he was born with Down Syndrome. When I say hand that I was dealt I don’t mean that in a vindictive way. Simply put, being a child and told you are going to have a sibling is hard when you have grown up until that point as an only child, but finding out that your sibling is going to need even more attention is even harder. The reality is that as an only child you are spoiled by your parents. I can say that they gave me anything that I ever wanted. I had a pink mustang bed. What other kid can say that they had that?

Once I got over the initial shock that I was not going to be the center of attention I was excited. I thought, hey I can finally have someone to play with all the time. I really was excited and I don’t think that even after I found out that he was going to be born with Down Syndrome did that really change my mind. My grandparents stayed with us for a couple weeks while my mom was waiting to have him and I was so excited that I got to have my whole family around me. They read me The Giving Tree while we sat in the hospital waiting and they even bought it for me to take home. I felt a little less shafted when they did that. The idea that I was being pushed aside didn’t set in until I actually got to see him.

He was so tiny in the glass crib that he was in. He had oxygen tubes on his nose and he just laid there. He looked so helpless and I couldn’t really make out the situation. My mom just sat there and looked tired. She cried a lot. I noticed that everyone was always circling him. Someone had to be there all the time with him unless people were being sent home because visiting hours were over. The nurse made him a sign that spelled out his name in bubble letters. She drew the puppies from 100 Dalmatians surrounding the letters. I watched her draw it out, but the entire time the she did I couldn’t help but think where does this leave me?